| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2009|06:19 pm] |
5:47:55 PM yen_menthol: hi you're a sex bot chatter again aren't you?
5:48:08 PM sharylmannsv2406: :"> Hi my real name is Gina. How are you doing today? :">
5:48:34 PM yen_menthol: Is gina short for Vagina?
5:48:48 PM sharylmannsv2406: I wanna ask you something but it might sound a little weird..lol...
5:50:16 PM yen_menthol: Yes, i fucked your mom. She was like a hot dog down a hallway, like punching a doorway, village bicycle, city door knob. were you a 30lbs baby? cause your mom in short is really loose.
5:50:28 PM sharylmannsv2406: are you male? becasue the last person i chatted with was a female and i didn't know for like 1 hour! =))
5:51:58 PM yen_menthol: its almost like talking to a dumb blond. except at least dumb blonds would say something like "Wow, i love kids." you know, somewhere close to the conversation.
5:52:10 PM sharylmannsv2406: Ok so some quick questions.. First What do you do for a living? Are you in school ?? What do you do to have fun? lol sorry for all the questions i'm just interested
5:52:47 PM yen_menthol: Christ, you make me want to light myself on fire.
5:53:00 PM sharylmannsv2406: now thats interesting hehe, I'm still in School Attending U.M and F.i.U for some classes, i love to go out for fun. love to play pool watch some football on sunday. Am i scaring you away?? x_x
5:54:59 PM yen_menthol: Most likely, I will post this conversation on my notes in Facebook. The reason why I'm still chatting to the sexbot is cause: 1. the conversation is very different. 2. i want to know how long this will run for.
5:55:13 PM sharylmannsv2406: lol well I work from home just starting doing these cam shows o:-) It's pretty fun actually lol do you have a cam on your computer?
5:58:37 PM yen_menthol: i'm totally down if you're a midget with a miniature pony
5:58:52 PM sharylmannsv2406: Well i don't do yahoo cam because someone recorded me once. :-s
5:59:39 PM yen_menthol: serves you right, you dirty computer sexbot. you're just covered in viruses aren't you?
5:59:54 PM sharylmannsv2406: There is a site i can give you that has more pics of me.. They also support a way to insure that i am secure and no one is recording me.
6:00:23 PM yen_menthol: you fail at life.
6:00:39 PM sharylmannsv2406: ok baby come watch me at http://FaceBookCams.notlong.com all you have to do it acccept the Cam invite
6:01:34 PM yen_menthol: i feel dirty. you tainted my macbook.
6:01:47 PM sharylmannsv2406: if you come watch me i'll do whatever you want me to do... fill out your info, make sure you put your correct b-day k?
6:02:26 PM yen_menthol: lies, all lies. you never loved me you dirty infested virus ridden sexbot
6:02:40 PM sharylmannsv2406: CC is just to verify your age hun,its the sites policy to ensure no minors get access to the site .. :-?your not a kid are you?
6:03:00 PM yen_menthol: such a skank....
6:03:15 PM sharylmannsv2406: Can never really be sure..you know??
6:03:46 PM yen_menthol: i hate your face and i'm running out of insults.
6:04:01 PM sharylmannsv2406: let me know if you need any help..i'm gonna slip into something nice for you..k? ;)
6:04:40 PM yen_menthol: okay, its official, i've run out of insults.
6:04:55 PM sharylmannsv2406: ok hun i'll be waiting for you! My ScreenName on the site is "EyesForGina21" let me know your username so i can invite you to a direct cam session.
6:05:19 PM yen_menthol: banana
6:05:33 PM sharylmannsv2406: Can't Wait!
6:05:43 PM yen_menthol: orange
6:05:54 PM sharylmannsv2406: Ok i'm getting off yahoo my computer runs faster with it off see you there
6:06:18 PM yen_menthol: turtle |
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| Landmark Forum note from facebook. |
[Sep. 29th, 2009|03:03 am] |
As many of you know, I've been taking this thing called The Landmark Forum. Yesterday I had a breakthrough. But before I tell you about my breakthrough I'm going to tell you about my past. I'm going to be truthful. I'm going to be raw. I'm going to be sincere.
Basically when I was growing up, my dad you to beat on my mom, brother and me. He started on me when I was 4. First it was with a bamboo cane, then with belts, then with 2X4's, and in between he would threaten us with guns, went to an abused woman's shelter when i was 10, etc. This went on until i was 17. Then at 17 i was held back a year in high school and watched all my friends graduate before me. That summer when i was going into my 2nd year of grade 12, i was in a boating accident that killed my parents. Then my brother and i had to look after the household and family business and look after my two little sisters who were JUST heading into grade 7.
All my life i felt, i wasn't good enough, nobody loves me, i shouldn't be alive, too angry, sad, confused, and frustrated. I had all these emotions and i blamed them on the beatings, the boating accident, growing up Asian in a western society where white people wouldn't accept me and FOBs wouldn't accept me, and being gay. My fiance of almost 8 years broke up with me just before the summer, and i hit my low point.
I was starting to accept that i was God's punching bag. not even God's punching bag, i was a fly God swatted.
I had a LOT of fucking issues to deal with.
I had people leave my life and abandon me.
Or so i thought.
So my brother took the Landmark courses before me, and then he signed me up. I live with him, so i saw him changing, happier, more confident, friendlier and understanding.
I wanted that. SO BAD.
When i saw him and talked to him, i wanted that change, but i was never brave enough to sign up myself. They had to force me a lot.
First day i went into the landmark forum, i was grumpy cause i had to wake up at 7:20am and i had a bad sleep the night before cause i kept worrying.
The class went from 9am - 10pm, for 3 full days.
I went in feeling pissed off, but mostly scared for 2 reasons:
1. i was scared i wouldn't be happy and i'd be more fucked up in the end.
2. i was scared to face my past and my demons head on with no seat belt.
After the first day, i was confused as shit. I probably understood 12% of what the forum leader talked about. Went home did my assignments, and then smoked up went to bed.
2nd day wake up at 7:20am, grumpy, so much anger i was literally shaking. i didn't know why i was angry, i always thought "fuck, these people never went through the shit i went through. I'm not going to get any results."
But the forum leader started talking about his relationship with his daughter, and how it was Great, but it could be amazing. Why settle for great, when he can have an amazing relationship with his daughter?
So he created a possibility of being fun and adventurous with his daughter. He started thinking "how can i make it possible for my relationship with my daughter to be fun and adventurous? I got it, she likes swimming, i like scuba diving, she's never been on a plane, i'm going to take her on a father daughter trip to the carribeans to go scuba diving with me and we'll make it a father daughter tradition every year."
I got inspired by that story.
I thought "My little sisters and I, we have a good relationship, but it could be extraordinary. I'm going to create the possibility of being fun and outgoing. What can i do with them? I don't really have anything in common with them. wait..." and then it clicked in my head. They've been wanting me to take them gay clubbing ever since i came out almost 7 years ago. I never took them cause i told myself i didn't like the alcohol and i didn't know how to dance, and how i can't smoke." I realized "hey! i've been creating excuses to not go out clubbing with them. I DON'T NEED alcohol or to dance to have fun with the people i love!!!"
So i decided to call them on the cell during breaktime, to run it by them. They LOVED the idea, and i told them to invite their friends and my brother's going to invite some friends, and i'm going to invite some friends, and we're just going to have fun together.
Later, i felt pretty good about the possibility i created for myself, but i was still angry at my past.
I felt like, "Cool, i created this possibility with my little sisters, but why don't i feel happier? Why don't i feel FIXED?"
Later, the forum leader made us go through an exercise. He told us to close our eyes, sit straight, don't cross our arms or legs. First he told us to imagine ourselves in a calm place. peaceful. now imagine the person sitting next to you turns into the thing you are MOST afraid of.
I started thinking about my dad and how he would beat me.
I teared up, but i wasn't scared shitless.
Then the forum leader said "Now imagine that the entire room of people is what you are MOST afraid of."
I started thinking about the boating accident, and i cried a little bit more.
But I didn't feel different.
So here i am, my eyes closed sitting in a room full of people doing the same thing, and the forum leader is shouting at us to now imagine 6.7 billion people being the thing we were the most scared of.
I kept switching back and forth, between the beatings and the accident, the beatings and the accident, i even relived the entire accident in my head, i thought about when i was underwater and i couldn't get air. I felt my chest tightening, but i didn't feel any different from before.
So i started thinking "Okay.... if my dad isn't the thing i'm most scared of and if the accident wasn't what i'm the most scared of then what is?"
My brother told me how he started bawling when he thought of sleeping next to our mom and hearing her breath at night and thinking "i hope this never stops." so i started thinking about my mom.
I started tearing up WAY more.
I started thinking "WTF? i'm scared of my mom?!" I thought a little more and i wasn't afraid of my mom. I was afraid of what she did. What she did was give birth to my little sisters.
Now i''m thinking "I'm pissed off at my sisters being born?! i can't be! i love them! i raised them!"
And i realized.
My God,
I was the baby of the entire family, including the relatives. I had all the attention, i had all this love, and once my little sisters were born, they took that away. I felt ABANDONED by the people i loved.
So my 5 year old self decided then and there "No one loves you, you're not good enough, people that love you will just abandon you. So i'm going to abandon them FIRST before they hurt me."
So i ended up carrying my past into my future with me.
So i started bawling with everyone else in the room
Then i realized that i created this STORY about my past, making myself the victim, but in reality, i was that hurt 5 year old that thought nobody loved me and would abandon me.
I was the one pushing people away.
I pushed away AMAZING friends and family.
I was the one that created the "sad story" about my past. My past was just my past. My sisters didn't do ANYTHING all they did was be born the little miracles that they are.
And at that moment,
that realization.
It wasn't my dad or the boating accident i was so angry about all these years. It was the feeling of being abandoned and not loved.
I had the power to create a story that haunted me for years. YEARS.
I now have the tools to create a better story for my future. and i can finally leave my past in my past and not drag it with me to the future.
I finally felt happiness.
I finally felt peace.
I'm not angry anymore.
I'm not sad anymore.
I'm not guilty anymore.
I'm not frustrated and stressed anymore.
I put my past in my past, and once the past was back in my past. I could finally see a future for myself, and empty space in the future. full of possibilities i can create for myself.
I have nothing but possibilities for myself
I feel free
I feel fucking amazing :)
You know whats the craziest thing i did afterwards?
I called and emailed 4 people from my past that i haven't talked to in YEARS. And i apologized for pushing them away. And 2 of them have accepted my apology so far :)
Even crazier is i talked to my ex for the first time since the break up over the phone last night. We had the most amazing conversation and i told her about my breakthrough, and apologized for pushing her away, and she accepted my apology. Now, we're going to rebuild our relationship as friends again. And, all i want for her is nothing but happiness in her life.
If you felt even a little inspired by my breakthrough, I graduate from landmark forum this Tuesday Sept 15th at 7pm-10:15pm at the Hyatt Regency in Vancouver. There's no diploma's, there's no ceremony. There's just a bunch of people that took the course, that are happy as hell and want to share that experience with the people in their lives. If you're interested in checking out what landmark is all about, there's a FREE introduction to guests after the graduation.
But basically, I promise, its not a cult., and its NOT religious. Let me put it this way. The forum leader is a hypothetical mechanic. He gives you tools to change a flat tire, the jack and tire iron. He then shows you hands on, how to change the flat tire yourself. Thats all it is. Its a teacher giving his/her students tools, teaching them how to use it on their own.
The reason why I shared my breakthrough with you is because I am so happy now. I am at peace. You don't have to have a screwed up childhood to go to the introduction and feel this way. What I want is for the people in my life to have the same feeling of freedom I have had for the last 2 days. Possibilities are possible, you just need to create them and declare them.
Oh! And you can check out the website for the Landmark Forum at: http://www.landmarkeducation.com/ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2009|01:33 am] |
been trying to keep myself busy lately.
i still really miss her. i've been talking to her online. we're still best friends, but i miss her as more.
i emailed her mom to get steph's cousin's email address since we're visiting calgary. steph's mom misses and loves me too.
i really miss steph.
i miss the love that she had for me, i miss thinking of the cuddles and snuggles and the little quirks she'd do. i miss everything about her. i really hope she comes back to me. i really hope so. i hope she falls back in love with me like before or maybe more. i miss her. the last two days have been hard, i keep thinking about her. i miss her. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|06:13 pm] |
went to an alcohol fueled party last night.
just now i heard a dog outside whining loudly. went outside and the front door locked on me. i didn't have my keys and no one was home. had to go all around the back of the house and climbed over bushes and rotting stairs and what not to get back in through a sliding door that was open.
i think i have thorns in my jeans. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|10:49 pm] |
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i went to the beach with william for cherry's beach bbq. kikko came with us. then i went to the twins and took a shower, and now i'm back home watching underworld with william. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2009|11:29 pm] |
felt like crap when i woke up. kept thinking about steph.
woke up late. went out for dinner with william, steph ly, her bf, this guy called lance, misa campo and her friend rob from LA. we went to hapa izikaiya.
i miss steph. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2009|12:34 am] |
woke up late. made cubed baked potatoes for steak tonight.
william bought a big slab of boneless ribeye from t & t and we cut about 20 steaks from it. so it was cheap.
watching the island now.
william is going to go see misa campo and steph ly at canvas tonight. i'm going to stay at home.
keeping my cell phone off for a while.
not going to get any calls or textes.
just want space. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|03:50 am] |
woke up late. i don't like mornings.
went out to take a shower at the twins, and then william and cherry and me went to have ebisu sushi. it was okay. then we went to watch the late show of transformers 2 at richmond silver city. it was at 11:50pm and it was for 2.5 hrs. william said he kept checking on me and said he saw me smile. he said he hasn't seen me smile for a week. its a good movie. lots of action. about 2.1 hrs of action. now watching the first transformers with william cause he can't remember sector 7 guy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2009|12:52 am] |
today i cleaned the small fish tank with the morimo balls. then i put together part of william's new bbq.
then i watched batman begins and the dark knight while doing that stuff. tried to transfer movies from old external hard drive, but i need a windows computer to make it work. cause it doesn't work on the mac. still feel like crap. have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow at 2:15pm. i still miss her like crazy. |
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| so i realized |
[Jun. 23rd, 2009|12:33 am] |
that i had a bad dream last night. well a good dream.
i dreamt that the whole break up was a bad dream and steph was sleeping next to me and was consoling me and telling me it was just a bad dream and that she'd never leave me.
i hate dreams within dreams.
took a shower today, then i cleared the dishwasher at the twins place, and did my clothes.
then i went with william when he did some errands, and then we went with phunger to a pub and met up with brian and his friend. it was okay, didn't feel like talking, just listening and zoning out. watching ong bak 2 with william and phunger and kikko and shorty now.
ps, i miss you. |
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