| Landmark Forum note from facebook. |
[Sep. 29th, 2009|03:03 am] |
As many of you know, I've been taking this thing called The Landmark Forum. Yesterday I had a breakthrough. But before I tell you about my breakthrough I'm going to tell you about my past. I'm going to be truthful. I'm going to be raw. I'm going to be sincere.
Basically when I was growing up, my dad you to beat on my mom, brother and me. He started on me when I was 4. First it was with a bamboo cane, then with belts, then with 2X4's, and in between he would threaten us with guns, went to an abused woman's shelter when i was 10, etc. This went on until i was 17. Then at 17 i was held back a year in high school and watched all my friends graduate before me. That summer when i was going into my 2nd year of grade 12, i was in a boating accident that killed my parents. Then my brother and i had to look after the household and family business and look after my two little sisters who were JUST heading into grade 7.
All my life i felt, i wasn't good enough, nobody loves me, i shouldn't be alive, too angry, sad, confused, and frustrated. I had all these emotions and i blamed them on the beatings, the boating accident, growing up Asian in a western society where white people wouldn't accept me and FOBs wouldn't accept me, and being gay. My fiance of almost 8 years broke up with me just before the summer, and i hit my low point.
I was starting to accept that i was God's punching bag. not even God's punching bag, i was a fly God swatted.
I had a LOT of fucking issues to deal with.
I had people leave my life and abandon me.
Or so i thought.
So my brother took the Landmark courses before me, and then he signed me up. I live with him, so i saw him changing, happier, more confident, friendlier and understanding.
I wanted that. SO BAD.
When i saw him and talked to him, i wanted that change, but i was never brave enough to sign up myself. They had to force me a lot.
First day i went into the landmark forum, i was grumpy cause i had to wake up at 7:20am and i had a bad sleep the night before cause i kept worrying.
The class went from 9am - 10pm, for 3 full days.
I went in feeling pissed off, but mostly scared for 2 reasons:
1. i was scared i wouldn't be happy and i'd be more fucked up in the end.
2. i was scared to face my past and my demons head on with no seat belt.
After the first day, i was confused as shit. I probably understood 12% of what the forum leader talked about. Went home did my assignments, and then smoked up went to bed.
2nd day wake up at 7:20am, grumpy, so much anger i was literally shaking. i didn't know why i was angry, i always thought "fuck, these people never went through the shit i went through. I'm not going to get any results."
But the forum leader started talking about his relationship with his daughter, and how it was Great, but it could be amazing. Why settle for great, when he can have an amazing relationship with his daughter?
So he created a possibility of being fun and adventurous with his daughter. He started thinking "how can i make it possible for my relationship with my daughter to be fun and adventurous? I got it, she likes swimming, i like scuba diving, she's never been on a plane, i'm going to take her on a father daughter trip to the carribeans to go scuba diving with me and we'll make it a father daughter tradition every year."
I got inspired by that story.
I thought "My little sisters and I, we have a good relationship, but it could be extraordinary. I'm going to create the possibility of being fun and outgoing. What can i do with them? I don't really have anything in common with them. wait..." and then it clicked in my head. They've been wanting me to take them gay clubbing ever since i came out almost 7 years ago. I never took them cause i told myself i didn't like the alcohol and i didn't know how to dance, and how i can't smoke." I realized "hey! i've been creating excuses to not go out clubbing with them. I DON'T NEED alcohol or to dance to have fun with the people i love!!!"
So i decided to call them on the cell during breaktime, to run it by them. They LOVED the idea, and i told them to invite their friends and my brother's going to invite some friends, and i'm going to invite some friends, and we're just going to have fun together.
Later, i felt pretty good about the possibility i created for myself, but i was still angry at my past.
I felt like, "Cool, i created this possibility with my little sisters, but why don't i feel happier? Why don't i feel FIXED?"
Later, the forum leader made us go through an exercise. He told us to close our eyes, sit straight, don't cross our arms or legs. First he told us to imagine ourselves in a calm place. peaceful. now imagine the person sitting next to you turns into the thing you are MOST afraid of.
I started thinking about my dad and how he would beat me.
I teared up, but i wasn't scared shitless.
Then the forum leader said "Now imagine that the entire room of people is what you are MOST afraid of."
I started thinking about the boating accident, and i cried a little bit more.
But I didn't feel different.
So here i am, my eyes closed sitting in a room full of people doing the same thing, and the forum leader is shouting at us to now imagine 6.7 billion people being the thing we were the most scared of.
I kept switching back and forth, between the beatings and the accident, the beatings and the accident, i even relived the entire accident in my head, i thought about when i was underwater and i couldn't get air. I felt my chest tightening, but i didn't feel any different from before.
So i started thinking "Okay.... if my dad isn't the thing i'm most scared of and if the accident wasn't what i'm the most scared of then what is?"
My brother told me how he started bawling when he thought of sleeping next to our mom and hearing her breath at night and thinking "i hope this never stops." so i started thinking about my mom.
I started tearing up WAY more.
I started thinking "WTF? i'm scared of my mom?!" I thought a little more and i wasn't afraid of my mom. I was afraid of what she did. What she did was give birth to my little sisters.
Now i''m thinking "I'm pissed off at my sisters being born?! i can't be! i love them! i raised them!"
And i realized.
My God,
I was the baby of the entire family, including the relatives. I had all the attention, i had all this love, and once my little sisters were born, they took that away. I felt ABANDONED by the people i loved.
So my 5 year old self decided then and there "No one loves you, you're not good enough, people that love you will just abandon you. So i'm going to abandon them FIRST before they hurt me."
So i ended up carrying my past into my future with me.
So i started bawling with everyone else in the room
Then i realized that i created this STORY about my past, making myself the victim, but in reality, i was that hurt 5 year old that thought nobody loved me and would abandon me.
I was the one pushing people away.
I pushed away AMAZING friends and family.
I was the one that created the "sad story" about my past. My past was just my past. My sisters didn't do ANYTHING all they did was be born the little miracles that they are.
And at that moment,
that realization.
It wasn't my dad or the boating accident i was so angry about all these years. It was the feeling of being abandoned and not loved.
I had the power to create a story that haunted me for years. YEARS.
I now have the tools to create a better story for my future. and i can finally leave my past in my past and not drag it with me to the future.
I finally felt happiness.
I finally felt peace.
I'm not angry anymore.
I'm not sad anymore.
I'm not guilty anymore.
I'm not frustrated and stressed anymore.
I put my past in my past, and once the past was back in my past. I could finally see a future for myself, and empty space in the future. full of possibilities i can create for myself.
I have nothing but possibilities for myself
I feel free
I feel fucking amazing :)
You know whats the craziest thing i did afterwards?
I called and emailed 4 people from my past that i haven't talked to in YEARS. And i apologized for pushing them away. And 2 of them have accepted my apology so far :)
Even crazier is i talked to my ex for the first time since the break up over the phone last night. We had the most amazing conversation and i told her about my breakthrough, and apologized for pushing her away, and she accepted my apology. Now, we're going to rebuild our relationship as friends again. And, all i want for her is nothing but happiness in her life.
If you felt even a little inspired by my breakthrough, I graduate from landmark forum this Tuesday Sept 15th at 7pm-10:15pm at the Hyatt Regency in Vancouver. There's no diploma's, there's no ceremony. There's just a bunch of people that took the course, that are happy as hell and want to share that experience with the people in their lives. If you're interested in checking out what landmark is all about, there's a FREE introduction to guests after the graduation.
But basically, I promise, its not a cult., and its NOT religious. Let me put it this way. The forum leader is a hypothetical mechanic. He gives you tools to change a flat tire, the jack and tire iron. He then shows you hands on, how to change the flat tire yourself. Thats all it is. Its a teacher giving his/her students tools, teaching them how to use it on their own.
The reason why I shared my breakthrough with you is because I am so happy now. I am at peace. You don't have to have a screwed up childhood to go to the introduction and feel this way. What I want is for the people in my life to have the same feeling of freedom I have had for the last 2 days. Possibilities are possible, you just need to create them and declare them.
Oh! And you can check out the website for the Landmark Forum at: http://www.landmarkeducation.com/ |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2009|05:05 am] |
i don't know if i'm missing steph because i miss the closeness and the love or i hate being by myself stuck in my own head.
i miss the love. i miss her. it doesn't feel like she wants me back at all.
i don't think i stand a chance anymore.
i just want someone to love me as much as i love them. i want them to mean it when they say they'll love me forever and that they'll never leave me. i want them to mean it when they say that i'm the one they want for the rest of their life.
i feel like i'm not good enough for anyone now. cause it feels like i've lost the best thing in my life. i don't remember the last time i was so happy except when i was with her.
i hate this emptiness i feel inside all the time.
i wish i could wake up one morning and everything was a bad dream.
i wish she would love me again like she use to.
i wish i was lovable to someone.
i wish the people i love the most would stop leaving me.
i'm tired of getting hurt.
i'm tired of the emptiness.
i just want my baby boo back.
i want to wake up with her caressing my back whispering in my ear "Bubbing love, you're having a bad dream, come here closer to me."
i'm tired of hurting so much. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|08:01 pm] |
last night i realized something.
steph wanted to get away from me cause i gave her what i THOUGHT she wanted. Not what she REALLY wanted.
i miss her. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|03:03 am] |
today would have been our 8 year anniversary.
3 weeks ago, she wanted to move here and marry me.
now.
she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.
i don't know if after all this time and all the shit she's done so far, if i want to be in a relationship with her anymore.
i really miss my stephanie.
i remember the first day i talked to her on the phone.
i was so nervous.
i told her i wanted to tell her something, but i was too shy.
she told me to say it in mandarin.
i said "wo ai ni." a couple of times.
she told me later on in the relationship that she pretended not to understand so i could keep saying it to her. she knew what it meaned.
she told me she loved me back.
a few weeks later, we had our first fight.
i didn't know if i wanted to be with her anymore.
she called me all day. called me at shartlotte's house to beg me back, and to not leave her.
she asked me "do you trust me? do you love me?"
i took her back.
i never thought, she'd actually leave me. i was afraid of the possibility cause i knew she could do better. but i didn't think she'd actually leave me. i thought her love for me was so strong.
we talked about marriage, children, retirement, grandkids, and dying.
i had so much to look forward to. and now. nothing. just vast blackness for my future.
after the accident happened, i use to pray for a miracle, for someone to love me and never leave me.
i thought it was steph.
i use to pray to God and my parents and ancestors and thank them for giving her to me sometimes.
to me, she was my angel, my shinning knight, my love.
now its all over.
when i came back from australia recently, she use to tell me over the phone how much she missed me, how much she missed my caresses, my hugs, and kisses, and my presence. how she couldn't get me out of her mind.
its over now.
to me, the break up feels like everything she ever said to me, all the sweet things, all the love, it feels like everything was made up. if she truly felt that way, i wouldn't be the one crying, feeling hopeless and lost. and unloved.
she says that she still loves me, but its not the same as before.
she says she's been feeling like this for a while.
if she's been feeling like this for a while, then why did she want to marry me? why did she want to move here? why did she say she loved me to the moon and back?
it feels like my life is an inside joke for God and the Devil.
They place bets on the chapters on my life to see which one would break me.
i wish i could turn back time.
i wish i wasn't such a fucked up person to make her leave.
i wish my life wasn't so fucked up so that i didn't have so many issues to deal with to make myself better.
i wish i could have been normal enough for her.
i miss you boo...
Happy 8 Year Anniversary. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2009|02:17 am] |
i mean so little to her now.
before i was her world. her love, her life.
now i'm nothing. absolutely nothing.
she doesn't miss me. she doesn't think of me. she doesn't care about me.
she kissed another girl last night. now she's going to a lesbian club after dinner.
did our relationship mean so little that she's so ready to throw me away so quickly? move on already?
and despite all of this, i still want her back.
its like. everything moved so quickly, it feels like i'm dreaming, having a nightmare. i really wish that i was in an accident and this is some coma induced bad dream. and in real life she's next to my bed holding my hand. and nothing has happened, everything is the same.
she says this has been happening for a while now. that her feelings towards me changed about a year ago. says she's been feeling this way for a year, been dropping me hints. but its like, you know me so well, you really think i can understand hints?
and if its been going on for a year, then why drag it out? why make it harder for me?
Did i mean so little to her?
it feels like it. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2009|01:30 am] |
steph's in sydney now.
she's there for business.
she arrives at 6pm. she meeting that other girl at 7pm.
in a way, i wish something would happen between them so steph can suddenly realize that she misses me and wants me. but that seems like wishful day dreaming on my part.
ever since the break up. i've felt like my entire future that i was planning with steph, just suddenly upped and vanished. its like, i was walking in it, and then all of a sudden i'm in a dark room with nothing around me. i don't know what to do now. i wanted to get married, have kids, grow old. but seems like... no matter how hard i try, i can't imagine my future without her. i can't imagine dating anyone else. i don't even feel like dating anyone else. she was the perfect girl to me. and it feels like, something's wrong with me cause i lost her.
i thought after i met steph that "finally! i can finally start having a happy life." with all the shit i went through in my life, i thought i'd finally get a chance to live the happy part of my life. that nothing else bad would happen to me. it feels like the accident all over again, except the current is pulling her away from me. i know its not the same cause we're still friends and she's still alive. but it feels like, i keep loosing the people i love.
it feels like... no matter what i do, no matter what point in my life, i'm going to keep continuing to lose the people i love. Feels like, i wasn't meant to be happy.
one of my friends thought i was going to commit suicide. I thought that was funny. Funny, but sad at the same time.
i just feel like i don't have the effort in me anymore. its like, what's the point when the person you loved the most in the world doesn't want you as a lover anymore?
get back up
get back up.
i'm tired of being kicked to the floor.
i'm tired of being a seesaw of emotion.
i just don't want to feel like this anymore. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2009|01:33 am] |
been trying to keep myself busy lately.
i still really miss her. i've been talking to her online. we're still best friends, but i miss her as more.
i emailed her mom to get steph's cousin's email address since we're visiting calgary. steph's mom misses and loves me too.
i really miss steph.
i miss the love that she had for me, i miss thinking of the cuddles and snuggles and the little quirks she'd do. i miss everything about her. i really hope she comes back to me. i really hope so. i hope she falls back in love with me like before or maybe more. i miss her. the last two days have been hard, i keep thinking about her. i miss her. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|06:13 pm] |
went to an alcohol fueled party last night.
just now i heard a dog outside whining loudly. went outside and the front door locked on me. i didn't have my keys and no one was home. had to go all around the back of the house and climbed over bushes and rotting stairs and what not to get back in through a sliding door that was open.
i think i have thorns in my jeans. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|10:49 pm] |
|
i went to the beach with william for cherry's beach bbq. kikko came with us. then i went to the twins and took a shower, and now i'm back home watching underworld with william. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2009|11:29 pm] |
felt like crap when i woke up. kept thinking about steph.
woke up late. went out for dinner with william, steph ly, her bf, this guy called lance, misa campo and her friend rob from LA. we went to hapa izikaiya.
i miss steph. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2009|12:34 am] |
woke up late. made cubed baked potatoes for steak tonight.
william bought a big slab of boneless ribeye from t & t and we cut about 20 steaks from it. so it was cheap.
watching the island now.
william is going to go see misa campo and steph ly at canvas tonight. i'm going to stay at home.
keeping my cell phone off for a while.
not going to get any calls or textes.
just want space. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 26th, 2009|03:50 am] |
woke up late. i don't like mornings.
went out to take a shower at the twins, and then william and cherry and me went to have ebisu sushi. it was okay. then we went to watch the late show of transformers 2 at richmond silver city. it was at 11:50pm and it was for 2.5 hrs. william said he kept checking on me and said he saw me smile. he said he hasn't seen me smile for a week. its a good movie. lots of action. about 2.1 hrs of action. now watching the first transformers with william cause he can't remember sector 7 guy. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 24th, 2009|12:52 am] |
today i cleaned the small fish tank with the morimo balls. then i put together part of william's new bbq.
then i watched batman begins and the dark knight while doing that stuff. tried to transfer movies from old external hard drive, but i need a windows computer to make it work. cause it doesn't work on the mac. still feel like crap. have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow at 2:15pm. i still miss her like crazy. |
|
|
| so i realized |
[Jun. 23rd, 2009|12:33 am] |
that i had a bad dream last night. well a good dream.
i dreamt that the whole break up was a bad dream and steph was sleeping next to me and was consoling me and telling me it was just a bad dream and that she'd never leave me.
i hate dreams within dreams.
took a shower today, then i cleared the dishwasher at the twins place, and did my clothes.
then i went with william when he did some errands, and then we went with phunger to a pub and met up with brian and his friend. it was okay, didn't feel like talking, just listening and zoning out. watching ong bak 2 with william and phunger and kikko and shorty now.
ps, i miss you. |
|
|
| feel like shit |
[Jun. 22nd, 2009|03:04 pm] |
i feel like shit today, woke up crying, and couldn't stop for an hour or so.
william contacted my psychiatrist. she said to take 1/2 more for celexa.
i feel like shit. i wish this was all over. i'm so stressed and my ibs is back for sure. i just wish i can be happy now. |
|
|
| ok... |
[Jun. 22nd, 2009|12:08 am] |
just finished talking to steph online.
i feel less helpless. less cold.
i still feel stressed and i think my ibs came back.
i told her i understood that she needs her space.
we had a good conversation.
i still miss her like crazy.
i think, no matter how happy i am in the future, i'm still going to feel incomplete, cause i don't have her.
i'm going to see if i can continue talking to her and giving her space. cause i don't know how i'll feel tomorrow talking to her. and i feel better talking to her. but i don't know if it'll help me in the process.
i'm still confused and in doubt.
but i just want her happy. |
|
|
| emotionally worn. |
[Jun. 21st, 2009|06:49 pm] |
today i tried to get up without crying.
went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, washed my face. changed clothes.
came downstairs and fed kikko and ate something and took my pills.
checked my emails, 0, redid my resume.
made a list like the twins told me to do.
made a list of what to do today.
take shower, water twins plants, bring back pop, kikko's food, cereal, crochet hook, book, and water bottle.
made a list of what jobs that i would apply for.
tomorrow i'm going to do the same. make a to do list for myself. drop off resumes, if i feel emotionally up to it. take kikko for a long walk.
i finished everything i had on my to do list today. all i'm going to do now is look for jobs and watch a movie while i crochet. |
|
|
| What was the point? |
[Sep. 30th, 2007|12:21 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
I don't understand people that join groups on facebook just to criticize the people in it. If a group is called "Petcetera sucks" then the group is probably for people that don't like Petcetera. Or if there's a group called "Michael Vicks Should Burn in Hell" then don't go into the group saying that you support Michael Vicks and feel like he's being unfairly treated.
Thats just being a shit starter.
What is the point you're trying to prove?
Is it because you're opinions are the right opinions?
Or is it just because you get a sick kick out of being a shit starter?
You guys are pretty much in the same category as Bush and Iran's President.
Go join the Shit Starters Group. |
|
|
| Chris Crocker on Jimmy Kimmel |
[Sep. 25th, 2007|12:22 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  amused | ] |
Okay All i got to say about this queen is, he's SO not a stalker, kind of like how Britney Spear's isn't an insane drug addict that totally didn't screw up on her comeback performance on the VMA's. :)
FYI using Sarcasm. |
|
|
| The President of Iran is a homophobe Idiot |
[Sep. 24th, 2007|11:58 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | annoyed | ] |
“In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don’t know who’s told you that we have this.”
- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, speaking at Columbia University in NYC on Monday
Is it just me, or are there more and more idiots becoming presidents? |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
taiwanbread's journal